All the things I never thought I could do – I did it so easily for you.
I lied to my parents.
If there’s one thing unique with my parents – it’s their open mindedness when I was a teenager. Unlike most of my friends, I don’t have to lie about where I am going. Most of my classmates tell their parents that their doing a group project – but I get to tell my parents that I’d be partying with my friends, and probably some friendly guys. But here’s the catch – I am allowed to have a boyfriend, but there are a few things young couples are not meant to do yet. And so, as much as I hate it, i lie every time they ask.
I am strict with my finances ever since college and it worsened now that I am working. I first tracked my expenses using pen and paper, now I use an excel spreadsheet. It’s not making me rich but it saves me from wondering where my money is going.
I only buy new clothes when it is needed. I don’t buy shoes because I am just not fond of them. For bags, I can use one bag for my entire life and no one will blink an eye. For food, my family loves eating and everytime I get hungry, which is rarely, I’d just eat whatever we have and save myself some money. But still, I could not save as much as I want to, because I go on dates and spend money just like him.
We both have our own income, but we spend quite an amount on our dates together even though we want to save enough to buy the things we yearned for since college. However, we just can’t help it. We spend money when we are together no matter how tight we are with our expenses.
Distanced myself from friends who don’t like him.
Sometimes, just like what happened to me, friendships and relationships could not coincide. i had friends who hated my boyfriend, who rolled their eyes at the sound of my boyfriend’s name. I had a boyfriend who hated the influence my friends are bringing me and the amount of time I spend with them, over him. I tried to keep it balanced. I tried to keep both as close to me as possible. I tried to make sure that they know they are both important to me. But I failed. I had no checklist for which side should I be taking. All of a sudden, probably without thinking, I chose my boyfriend. From “if he can’t win my friends then I can go find someone else” to “if they can’t like him, I’d find another set of friend who can”. And as an update as of 2018, I haven’t found any new set of friends yet.
Disobeyed my own rules.
There were nights when I no longer followed my curfew. There were classes I skipped. There were shifts I came in late because I want more time with him. There were events I did not attend, no matter the consequences, because for me, being with him is way better. Lastly, I allowed a man to take a huge part in my life – and I am haunted by my old self’s voice reminding me that if i wasn’t inlove, I wouldn’t be doing any of this.
Forgive the unforgivable.
Before being in a relationship, I had scenarios in my head that I know I could not tolerate. Like my lover being with another girl. Like being overwhelmed by his lies. Like treating me as less of a person each time he’s angry. I thought that if he’d do any of that, I’d already be on my feet running away from him. But right now, he did all that over and over again, and I forgave him just as often – and I don’t know how to stop. I am afraid of anything else that he’ll do, because I know that whatever that is, I’d forgive that one too.