My ideal version of my self is someone that’s fun to be with, mostly because I am aware that I am the least fun to be with. I’ve always been the kind that’s silent. I’ve always been a follower. I never planned a party or a nightout on my own. When I am somewhere else aside from my room, that’s because some extrovert dragged me there. Days before a gathering I’d always think ahead and worry of being left alone in a venue full of people. I’d worry that I’d never blend in, that I’d just sit alone in a table while everyone else keeps up with each other – and these are not worries out of blue because I’ve been in that situation for a hundred times since I was a kid.
My parents will be talking to my older relatives, my cousins will be somewhere else without me and my sister will be with them. And I will just be in a table, waiting and dreading for those moments to be over. There are other disasters as well. As far as I can remember, I cried thrice because I was so left out in a family gathering. The first one, I made it throughout the night but I still ended up breaking down when it was time to go. My aunts asked me why I was crying, and I simply told them half of the truth – which is I want to go home.
The second one, I cried because I was left alone inside the leaving room while the rest of my relatives had fun outside. Most of them are drinking, the kids younger than me are playing. By that time I am no longer a kid. I am around 13 years old, so playing with the kids is quite out of my interest. All I had that time was a television without a remote control, and a phone that only had 1 game – soduko. I don’t even have anyone to text with and smartphones weren’t still a thing. I stayed that way for 6 hours, and ended up crying when my Mom told me that we are still not going home. One of my cousins who’s older than me saw me cry. I only talked to her once before, and until now I can’t even look her in the eye.
The third one is another family gathering, the same scene but different location and different set of relatives. I was once again alone in the living room. The grown ups are drinking outside. I stayed in the living room, with a phone that can’t text, with my cousins visitors hanging beside me. I was only asked one question that night, and until we went home, I was invisible. I cried silently on the way home, good thing nobody saw me that way.
I’ve always been envious of people who can easily socialize, who are likeable enough to blend in. All these years I tried to be a less difficult person, but each time I try, the more rejected I feel. I’ve always been an outcast, and I stopped trying to fit in and just accepted the fact that my relatives will probably only get to tell me a few phrases my entire lifetime. It isn’t working wonders because I am still constantly hoping that one day, I’d transform into someone totally different, someone who can keep up and maintain conversations. Someone good at communication and relationships – someone that’s the total opposite of who I am right now.