I Built Friendships I Can’t Keep

I haven’t done any research but I’ve heard and seen enough to say that normally, each person has a bestfriend. I never thought that at 21, after all the abilities that I lack, I would end up questioning my ability to keep friends.

When I was a kid, there were a few kids I normally hang out with. I used to think that I had friends, lots of it. I was quite in demand as a playmate. Right now I realize that we were friends because we sat together in class for years or it’s because our moms were friends with each other and we were forced to play as they hang out.

When I was in highschool, i had a group of friends and I never once worried of being left alone. I had classmates that were always left out. During lunch and breaks they’d eat and sit alone, they’d go home alone – but not me. I have highschool friends in school who texts me when I get home, who looks for me when I am not around. I had friends who are clingy and I liked it, even though they shamelessly showed how jealous they were when I started hanging out with my first boyfriend.

When I was in college, I lost the friends I had as a kid and in highschool. Those kids went to different colleges, some highschool friends went to the same college with me but took different courses. I had to start again alone – but eventually, I belonged. I had friends in each class, I had friends at my part time job, I had friends who wanted to be in the same group as me during projects. I had friends to do bad things with, although at a later stage, I realized that I may have friends hovering around, but I never really truly have one that stuck with me through years.

I realized that I change friends just like I change my mind, and I am starting to doubt if what I had before with those people was real friendship. There were people whom I was friends with in one subject, and we never had the chance to talk after the subject’s done. I don’t have friends that lasted for years – I only had temporary friends. I thought it was okay, but lately I have come to realize its disadvantage.

Now at 21, currently working, I started making friends at work, but I don’t think I could already call it friendship. None of this is their fault and I know I can only blame myself’s ability to maintain and take care of a friendship. I have friends at work that I say hi and talk to when the job gets too tiring, but I still don’t have any friends i’d go out with every weekend. I have friends at work that I am not friends with in real life. These friends at work have their own friends in real life, and these friends they have were friends they had as a kid or back in highschool or college. And then there’s me, who lost every friend I had along the way – and it’s all my fault.

Published by

Eva Harmoni

There was one night when the rain poured so hard, and i didn't want it to stop. Weird, because i was afraid and amused by the sound of the rain and thunder. The sound of it made me less alone that night. The next day i woke up to find my collection of journals soaked. I keep it near the window to make sure no one could read it. The writings can still be read but i was devastated by the damage. I wanted it preserved but i don't want it published. Still amused by the rain but afraid of the wrath it could bring to my journals, i created this blog.

4 thoughts on “I Built Friendships I Can’t Keep”

      1. Yeaahh. Because most of the things that you cannot tell to anyone in person you can do it by your internet friend without hesitation that she/he will going to judge you. sometimes they are the one who really understand you and pick you up when youre down.

        Liked by 1 person

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