The motivation to socialize.
I am probably one of those people that finds socializing tiring. This comes naturally with most people, but for those who are like me, this requires effort and long deep breaths to get it started. As for me, socializing is both emotionally and physically draining. As much as I want to be very close to the people around me, I just can’t find the courage and the motivation to keep on socializing. Small talk is already a huge deal for me, and this is sadly not one of the things I can get from the training I had with the company. This is something I need to do personally, and it honestly feels like i am waaaaay behind because this comes naturally for most people and I am still struggling with it.
The way I spend my money.
Most girls spend their money on make up, clothes, shoes, bags and jewelries. Good for them, because they are seeing something out of their hard work. As for me, I refuse to buy any of those. I buy from thriftshops, I use the bags given to me by my mom, boyfriend and sister, I use the shoes I had since three years ago and I wear jewelries that were given to me as birthday and christmas gifts.. but guess what, I still don’t know where my money is going. A part of me still has a lot of “I should haves” . I should have spent it on clothes and shoes, at least I was able to spend it on improving myself. Sadly, I realized that I spent my money on unnecessary things (like groceries I don’t eat). I spent it real slow so it would feel like I am not spending a lot but honestly, I am just doing the same thing. I am just spending my money on small things that are really not that relevant, so when it is time to look back where my salary has gone, I could no longer track it. This is something I need to change.
I eat whenever it is convenient and whatever looks appealing. Fast food and convenient store foods are a thing for me. Most of the time my meal is a microwaved macaroni, and I am totally okay with it.. although I still get the feeling that it should not be the way how i am eating.
Keeping up with old friends and with family.
I thought friends and family will always be there whenever I am ready to socialize, but I was wrong. I have been so busy and never took the time to keep up with any of them. Their world will kept on spinning without me in it and the next thing I knew, they were already living a life, hanging around and catching up without me. On most days I get through without thinking about them much but there are still days that I get aware of their absence and feel sad about how good it could’ve been if we could spend some time hanging out.
How I treat myself.
I’ve always been so hard on myself even though I always knew that I should loosen up a little. Back in college, everytime I want to get something, I tend to blackmail myself. Want to get a new pedi? A pair of shorts? A new set of contacts? Nail that exam first. Attend classes without being late first, or make sure you pass all subjects before anything else. When I started working, it stayed the same. I only allow myself to get the luxury once a week or twice every month, which is each pay day. And to think, the luxury I am referring to is not that luxurious. Coffee, milktea, or a meal that’s too expensive for me.
I still think that there is still a lot that I don’t deserve and I have not yet proven myself enough to deserve those things. There is a voice within me that says, YOLO.. and I think I shoud listen to that voice a little starting now.